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RNC Schedule of Events

I know, corny, much-forwarded… but I couldn’t resist!


New York, NY

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd

6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary?”

7:30 PM Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM Trent Lott “Re-segregation in the 21st Century”

7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future

9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”

9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on “Why Women Shouldn’t Be Leaders”

9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 PM break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple

10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside

10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare

10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & CondiRice

10:46 PM Ann Coulter’s Tribute to “Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot”

10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy

11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata

11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult

11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM Blame Clinton

11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage”

11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

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